Personal

Photography, introverts and parties

Solitude

I’m so happy to have discovered the Introvert’s Corner section on the Psychology Today website; it makes me feel a lot less like an oddball than I usually do.  I once filled in a questionnaire on introversion and I was practically off the scale on some of the parameters.   My introvert traits often perplex and puzzle the extravert people in my life, who mostly don’t understand that I’m just wired differently.  For every three extraverts in the world, there’s just one introvert, so we’re seriously outnumbered and usually more than a little bit misunderstood.

In case you’re an extravert yourself, let me just clear up a few misconceptions.  We’re not people haters – we often love people but only in small doses and in ones, twos or threes rather than large numbers.  We prefer peace and quiet, because loudness simply overwhelms our more delicate nervous systems and we can’t think straight.  And we love to talk, but only about things that really interest us and when we feel we’ve got something to say – you can’t shut us up when that happens.  We’re not shy people (well we can be, but it doesn’t go with the territory) and we’re often very friendly and sociable (just not 24/7).

The big, big difference between us and extraverts is that even when we have the kind of people contact we enjoy, our energy is drained by it, but extraverts actually gain energy from being around others.  For that reason we need to spend much more time alone to recharge our batteries.

Parties are not our idea of fun

Because of all this, our idea of fun is a lot different from an extravert’s notion of the same thing.  We loathe parties.  We understand that extravert people have a lot of fun that way, but we just don’t. We’d rather have root canal work than have to go a party (especially as you don’t have to make small talk when your mouth’s full of dental instruments).  Parties are noisy, you can’t have any sort of in-depth conversation at them (which is the kind we like), and even worse, you have to try and look as if you’re having a good time even when you’re very definitely not.  On top of that, we find parties and most social things involving large groups of people, well…… quite boring, really.  We tend to have a low tolerance for small talk, and we’d much rather be doing something other than standing around, struggling to have banal conversations over wincingly loud music.  And when we say doing something, that could just be thinking – we usually have a lot going on in our heads.

So what does this have to do with photography?

I’ve found that being a photographer helps a lot when it comes to finding a way of surviving these things.  A camera – particularly the serious DSLR kind – makes me look as if I have a purpose and gives me something to do.  It means I can talk as little or as much as I want to, wander around or sit on the edges if I like, and when it’s all over I can present the host with some nice images of their ‘do’, which usually goes down very well.  And not least, it gives me something absorbing and interesting to do that doesn’t make me look rude.  Result!

Once I got over the initial stages of learning how to take photos – when I used to feel that people were looking at me and my DSLR and imagining I actually knew what I was doing, when I was all too aware that I didn’t – the camera became a great tool both to hide behind and to make connections with.  I attract attention because of it, but it gives me a role to play and I find that reassuring.  It gives people something to ask you about, and a reason to speak to you.  (I may not be big on small talk but a little bit of it does make the world a nicer place.)

It’s probably not the same for all introverts.  Most introverts hate being the centre of attention or indeed attracting attention to themselves in any way whatsoever.  For myself, I don’t mind as long as I have a role to play.  I’m happy and comfortable being a photographer, or a tutor, or a hander-round of canapés, but without being able to wear the role like a protective cloak I quickly feel exposed and lost in large gatherings. That kind of social interaction is deeply unsatisfying to me and it takes huge amounts of energy for me to try to fit in, but if I don’t make the effort I look and feel like a spare part.  Having a role to play takes that kind of pressure off.

For me, at least, photography hasn’t just given me the creative outlet I always yearned for, it’s also stopped me feeling like quite such a party pooper (although I’d still much rather not go!)

 

Love

Love, plaque in the trees

I was having a bad day; I felt tense, antsy, mildly depressed.  So I went for a walk in the woods, followed a small track away from the main pathways, and discovered this plaque high up in the trees: Love. Just what I needed. Thank you to whoever put it there.

Love, with little hands, comes and touches you with a thousand memories, and asks you beautiful, unanswerable questions

Happy Birthday to me

Today I’m 55 years old.  That’s beginning to sound quite old to me – I’ve already outlived my parents by several years and that’s a strange feeling, I can tell you.  Depending on which one I compare with, I’ve already had three or four years longer on this planet than they did.

55 seems like a significant sort of age even if it doesn’t end in a zero – I’m now definitely closer to sixty than I am to fifty and the likely time left to me can sometimes seem alarmingly short.  I don’t feel this old, but then most people would say that.  I don’t think I look too bad for my age, but then most people would probably say that too.  And I think my attitudes, tastes, and outlook on life are all younger than many people of my age, but then they’d all probably say the same thing.  The truth is you can never see yourself the way others see you and self-delusion is all too easy.  The only thing I know for sure is that I wouldn’t go back to being twenty again even if you did restore my waist to its former glory.

It’s been an interesting life so far.  Bad things have happened – a damaging relationship with my mother, parents dying in a road accident, two divorces, one terrible marriage to someone who I now think had sociopathic tendencies, the ensuing loss of most of my confidence and belief in myself, an illness (M.E.) that took ten years of my life, and many other, smaller, things.  But that’s just one way of telling the story.  I can also tell the story of a father who loved me dearly and with whom I had a close relationship, the time and space my illness gave me to explore and think about my world, the stronger sense of self I ended up with after escaping my second marriage, the most wonderful dog companion I ever had who saw me through a lot of unhappy times, and the lovely, lovely man who’s been in my life for the last eleven years and to whom I’m now married.  It’s the same life, just two different ways of seeing it.

I’m a lot wiser – I think – than I used to be, although the extra wisdom has made me realise just how much I don’t know and don’t understand.  In many ways I don’t mind ageing and actually find it quite interesting.  As a child I used to wonder what I’d look like when I was old and now I’m beginning to see.

I’m quite happy with how it’s gone so far but there is just one thing that bothers me.  I used to be someone who had adventures and I don’t any more.  Some were big and often ill-advised adventures: leaving Scotland and everything I knew to be with a man I’d only known for a couple of months, going a little wild while studying for my MA and effectively making up for an adolescence I never had, and – more recently – making a decision under stress to sell up and go back to Scotland to live and then being so miserable I was back again within six months, considerably poorer and somewhat wiser.

Some were much smaller and more enjoyable adventures: a night out with three Franciscan monks, who invited me to their study centre the next day, where I found the only other women were nuns and I was wearing a mini skirt; a motorbike trip through France where loads of things went wrong but somehow it was all still good; applying for – and getting – a job teaching IT when I knew a lot less than I – and they – realised about how to work a computer; crawling through a field on a summer’s evening to watch badgers; taking part in a river race where you had to launch yourself into a fast flowing river with only an inflatable mattress and a crash helmet, and then, partway along, jumping thirty feet into the base of a waterfall; a Thelma-and-Louise type holiday in a red sports car with two university friends who were ten years younger and considerably more gorgeous than I was, and who spent the whole time experimenting with intoxicating substances, except for when we were having sound healing and being regressed into past lives in Glastonbury – I felt a bit like the maiden aunt acting as chaperone, but I enjoyed it anyway.

I used to meet strange and interesting people, too.  At university – which I went to late in life – there were people of all nationalities and some very eccentric academics with unconventional lives, one of whom lived with three women (not all at once; they took turns).  Another, whom I went out with for a year, would only wear red socks and later took up unicycling and playing the didgeridoo.  A third used to cook exquisite five course dinners for fifteen members of the philosophy society every week, and was said to be the only person who’d acquired a PhD purely on the strength of his wizardry in the kitchen.

My academic phase was followed by my ‘alternative’ phase, where I got to know people who dressed entirely in shamrock green, claimed to communicate with extra-terrestrial beings, built labyrinths, lived over converging ley lines, read tarot cards, modelled penises out of clay (I couldn’t make this stuff up), cleared ghosts out of houses, and many other weird and wonderful things.  Now, I wouldn’t want to be around these people all the time – that would get quite tiring I think – but knowing them made my life richer and a whole lot funnier.  (And a quick note to my more conventional friends – I want to reassure you I love you all dearly and wouldn’t swap you for anything– just so you know)

In the last few years there hasn’t been much of this kind of thing at all.  My last real adventure was to go to art college, having only been drawing and painting for three months (before that, the last time I picked up a pencil or a brush was when I was thirteen so there was a bit of a steep learning curve).  That led to my passion for photography, for which I’ll be ever grateful.

But since then? Zilch, nothing, nada.  I’m living like the middle-aged person I undoubtedly am.  I’m playing it safe and it needs to change.  I used to be much more spontaneous – truly, it did get me into trouble on numerous occasions but I regret the things I haven’t done more than the things I have.  I need a change or a challenge.  And not the kind of everyday challenge like earning money and finding work, but something completely new and exciting and possibly scary, that will stretch me out of the complacent, contented shape I’ve recently grown into, even if it’s only for a few hours.  I don’t know what it’ll be yet, but watch this space……..

 

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming “WooHoo, what a ride!”

 

 

Confessions of a failed food photographer

Risotto balls

Risotto balls

It’s my birthday tomorrow, and we’ve got a table booked at our absolutely most favourite restaurant ever (Jojo’s, in Tankerton, if you want to know).  The last time we went there I meant to photograph each dish but managed to forget until we’d eaten most of them.   As it’s a tapas restaurant and we have lots of dishes, and they come out bit by bit, it’s going some to forget to photograph any of them before we started eating.  But, hey, they still look good even when almost finished.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll remember to get my camera out before I start eating!

 

Patatas Bravas

Patatas Bravas

 

Quinoa salad

Quinoa salad